Worst Winery Names Ever

By: WineMarketDate: 12/08/2014

Ok, so being an arbiter of style, a cool-person or those with enough swagger to be called ‘hip’ might come with a lot of effort, but we do know that sometimes, just sometimes, having some taste isn’t that hard.

With wine, it comes with the territory of writing about the stuff, and that you can come across a few names that might be seen as, well, daggy, weird, downright odd, unusual or just plain bonkers. From nonsensical names to ones that might just turn you off a wine, to the labels that make you squint when trying to pronounce them, there’s a host of things out there that fit into the very first Worst Winery Name list, with tongue, of course, firmly planted in cheek.

It’s all too easy to get sentimental when naming things – that creek out the back of the winery, you know the one named after Jacob, well, that kind of makes sense. If your name is Henschke, and you have a winery, why not call it after yourself? And that Hill of Grace vineyard is certainly on a hill and has a church next to it that has ‘grace’ in the name. All makes sense. But what about when things, well, just don’t quite work… erhem.

Ladies Who Shoot Their Lunch – The labels have a retro feel with a stylised, almost cartoony aesthetic, but it’s the name is the thing that sort of unsettles. Ladies Who Shoot Their Lunch has a good connotation of powerful females out hunting for their fare, but really, for a wine, it all sounds a little bit unusual.

Strange, odd, weird for a wine to have such a name, and though the wine is curiously good inside the bottle, the shift away from ‘XYZ Estate’ or ‘Something-or-other Forest’ might just work for a big chunk of the wine drinking public. Just wandering what happens if one of these ‘Ladies’ decided to opt for a salad or a sandwich.

Nga Waka – Ok, so perhaps it’s that getting tongue-tied over Maori dialect is the issue, but for a layman Australian to wrap their head around the name here, is another thing entirely. Wrapping your lips around the wine in the bottle is thankfully very easy, but working your mouth around the name could be somewhat trickier. That being said, saying Nn-ga Wha-car is probably lesser harm that knowing Te Whare Ra wines is actually Te Far-ray Rar or having a crack at pronouncing Ngatarawa after a few of their wines.

Howling Wolves – Nothing says a romantic wine name like a river, a forest, a village or perhaps a family name, so when the savage, drooling, bloody-bodied wild wolves come storming off a wine label, you wouldn’t be chastised for turning up your nose a little bit. The wild pack animals known for tearing apart woodland creatures for dinner are unlikely to want a glass of wine with their Bambi.

Kaesler The Bogan Shiraz – – Nothing wrong with a black band t-shirt, a flannelette shirt, trackies and some ugg boots, but when it’s being worn to a wedding, you might just be amongst the good bogan people of Australia. That being said, a tall glass of Bogan Shiraz might just be the best thing for getting through your day – the unlikely-named wine is produced from old Barossa vineyards, and sits at a non-bogan price of around $50 a bottle. If the Bogan isn’t enough for you, of course there’s also the Kaesler Old Bastard Shiraz also available.

Bitch – – Not sure if a glass of Bitch Grenache is up your alley or not, and though not a stuffy wine writer, there is a distinct awkwardness about serving up and enjoying a wine named this way. Sure, one can imagine a few circumstances in which a bottle of Bitch might be a handy gift for say, your departing boss, the mechanic who overcharged you or someone who happened in end up in bed with your partner, but outside of that, it’s hard to grasp when a relaxing glass of Bitch might be called upon…

Cats Pee On A Gooseberry Bush Sauvignon Blanc – – From Cooper’s Creek winery in New Zealand, this wine might raise an eyebrow or a small chuckle, but once poured in the glass might just have a few people shifting around uncomfortably. No matter, just pinch your nose and take a swig…

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